When I leave my job, the first thing I will do is get rid of all of my ties! What a drag to have to wear a tie every day! Women don’t have to wear ties! I’ll give up any pay differential never to have to wear a tie again. When you wear ties people look at you differently, like you’re a CEO or something, when really you wait for a 30% off coupon at Kohl’s and buy their off-brand name stuff on sale. 5 pants in all the chino khaki colors for $50, y’all! 2 button-down see thru shirts in white and powder blue for $30. Oh yeah!
Then I’ll finally be able to explore what it means to be a hipster. The last time I tried to grow a beard, I went for about 8 weeks before I decided I looked just enough like someone who you’d probably see on some kind of offender registry. But with my nonexistent paycheck I’ll be able to authentically shop at thrift stores without feeling out of place or wondering if I’m taking great clothes out of the hands of people who really need it. I will probably need some secondhand glasses, because there went my sweet employer-subsidized vision plan. I will finally learn to sew because everything I buy won’t fit, and I will painstakingly tailor and curate my wardrobe with skinny blazers and pants that reach just to my ankles, even though at 5’8″ all adult pant inseams are too long for me off the rack.
Two things I will spend money on in unemployment will be Starbucks Coffee and a MacBook Pro, and by money I mean my generous credit card limits built with a steady reliable income. It is impossible to be an unemployed middle-aged hipster wannabe without a MacBook at Starbucks. I may blow through the remaining limits of my credit cards but by God what kind of animal can survive without a double espresso mocha latte and easy access to a suite of creative productivity software? Thankfully there is no debtors prison.
After a few months of being unemployed and pretending to write my Great American SciFi Space Opera but instead posting poorly crafted memes and commenting on various news and political forums, I will be forced to face the stark reality that I need an income. But I won’t go back to working for the MAN! Never again! The festering bureaucracy of a large company that cares enough about it’s employees to offer competitive health benefits, stock options, and amazing retirement benefits for the indentured servitude of middle management, will never snare me again!
I could start my own business! A new age entrepreneur, a man of ambition and quality finding a need, creating a product. So what am I good at? I’m okay at home improvements, maybe I could be a contractor. Dang, but they have to sweat a lot and work some weird hours. I could sell clever t-shirts? A lot of competition there. Damn, I am one mediocre fuck-a-doodle. I blame my former employer for not helping me develop more entrepreneurial skills. Could I sue for company inflicted mediocrity? Nah, probably not, especially as they offer an array of amazing learning and development opportunities.
Shit, maybe I shouldn’t have blown up my credit so quickly. That might have come in handy for a business loan. And damn, now I look like I’m homeless, which let’s be honest if I get another late notice they’ll start foreclosure proceedings. No, no, no, enough of that.
Wait! What’s that on the door to Starbucks? Help Wanted! I practically live there! How could JoElle, Darrin, and Kathy not tell me?! Online application submitted. I cannot wait to misspell your name on a double espresso cappufrappalatte! Maybe I will finally learn the secret ingredient that makes Starbucks so much better from the store than at home. So glad I escaped the humdrum of a major corporation. Oh wait…